Anxious.

I can't help but to feel that my life is slowly inching away from me. In a mere five months, I will be 23 years old if the Lord says the same. Inside, I feel that I am so ready to move onto the next stage of my life which, prayerfully, will allow me to invest more time in my passions and intended businesses. However, I am caught up in the bureaucracies of school and work which hinder the manifestation of the aforementioned desires. Now, please don't get me wrong. I am so thankful to the good Lord that I have obtained a college education and a job that is waiting for me upon graduation, but I can't help but to feel that there is something greater that I should be pursuing. I feel that there is a definite change in the wind, but I am not sure if it is something God-breathed or something borne out of my own selfish will. All I know is that I do NOT want to miss out on something great that God has for me... I know that at this point in life I am where He wants me to be because every possible change regarding the future that I've considered is in direct contradiction with what I feel is His plan for me. Complicated. Yes. Yes Indeed! But oh GOD I'm ready to pursue my passions wholeheartedly, whether I fail or succeed, without any fear of stepping outside of Your Will. ARGH!!!!

I'm still against marriage...



Today I had a conversation with my friend. She asked me if I thought it was okay for her to marry some dude because she had an amicable relationship with his mother. She was joking, but I was serious when I told her that my opposition to marriage causes me to dissuade anyone from jumping the broom. She proceeded to reinform me that marriage is of God and that it is something that should be desired by those who seek to remain in the His Will (e.g., don't fight God if He calls you to be a wife). I know it sounds bitter, but I feel that marriage is just not for me at this point. I have been guilty of pushing my views off on other people, and yes, there is probably some fault in there somewhere. But the thought of being someone's wife makes me cringe! My friend also told me that since I don't believe in marriage, I must not believe in sex because that's reserved for married individuals. My response was shocking:

I don't believe in marriage, but I believe in consummating it.

I couldn't believe what had come out of my mouth! To the average person, premarital sex may not seem like a big deal. But for someone who had to come into a relationship with Christ on her own due to wariness from several avoidable self-inflictions, I understand that every action has consequences. For me, sex outside of marriage is one of those "non-negotiable" aspects of my faith. But my comment made me aware that I am on the cusp of waywardness! Oh no! There have been times when I've struggled to see the point in "saving myself" (what a lame term) but I feel that I would much rather be judged by man than condemned by God. What have been the reactions to a 22-year-old virgin? Ha. Laughter. Broken off relationships on the first date. But I've also gotten respect from guys who find a woman sticking to her morals admirable and attractive. So what does Lupe Fiasco have to do with it?

Lupe Fiasco represents the kind of guy that I wouldn't mind dating at this point. And I'm not speaking of a high-profile rapper with a solid bank account and any material thing that he desires at his disposal. From what I've read in interviews and whatnot, Lupe appears to be someone who knows that he can have pretty much whatever he wants handed to him, but realizes that these things do not make him and is therefore able to live without them if necessary. He's not afraid to think outside of the box and challenge others to do the same. He makes those things that are uncool cool. He's in a committed, monogamous relationship and makes sure that everyone (especially the groupies) are aware of it. Humble, smart and committed. Yep. If the Lord blesses me to meet anyone who meets these requirements then I MIGHT consider marriage. But only if God tells me to do it.

PEACE